Navigating long-distance relationships as a graduate student

If there's one thing graduate school will do, it's take you to a new state, country, or even continent. Everyone knows someone who has probably gone through a long-distance relationship due to grad school relocation. That is why, for this newsletter, we spoke to three women about how their decision to travel for graduate school affected their relationships.

Tomide

Tomide is an administrative coordinator and a current Master in Business Administration student in England.

I've always seen attending graduate school as a natural progression in my career journey. However, since I was in a new relationship, I delayed my travel plans for a year to establish more stability.

One morning in 2022, after months of struggling to secure a job, I decided to start the graduate school process. Nigeria wasn't looking promising for my career advancement, and naira's value was plummeting. I informed my boyfriend of my decision to pursue my dreams, and he was supportive and didn't question me much. 

The plan was to have him visit shortly after I moved. The last time we saw each other was in late February of that year, and we had a great time together, knowing that we would be reunited in a few weeks.

 

Our long-distance relationship is not your typical one. We manage to see each other every 5–6 months, video call for hours every day, and fall asleep talking to each other. Apart from the lack of physical intimacy, it doesn't feel like we're miles apart. Although the absence of sex isn't a problem for us, I hope it isn't for him, knowing how Lagos men can be. My only frustration comes from the lack of physical touch and intimacy, which is my love language. 

Our type of long-distance is quite pricey, but it works and reduces the pressure. We plan to meet again in May, and another trip is scheduled for November. I want to emphasize that our long-distance relationship is different from most conventional relationships. We manage to see each other every few months, unlike people who don't know when they'll see each other next. If we couldn't afford to travel and spend time together, we wouldn't have continued with the relationship.

Olive

Olive holds a Master's degree in International Development and works in the development sector.

We have been close friends for the past seven years and had been in a relationship for two and a half years before deciding to pursue our master's degree. We had planned to study in the same city and build our future together. However, things didn't go as we had hoped. Despite getting accepted, my partner's scholarship fell through, and he had to face repeated rejections. This situation left me feeling conflicted, as his struggles didn't leave any room for me to feel happy about my successes.

Over time, our relationship experienced some difficulties, and we found ourselves arguing more frequently. We both felt negative emotions as our plans failed to materialize as we had hoped. However, during the first semester of my studies, we kept in touch regularly through phone calls and texts, and my partner was quite supportive. Although we were both not the best at texting, we still made an effort to communicate about our days. 

We discussed our future during the winter break, but my partner seemed hesitant. Later, I found out he was struggling with depression after being rejected for a diplomatic position. Despite my attempts to bring up our future, our communication worsened, and it became clear that I was not a priority in his life. Eventually, we decided to end our relationship in February 2020.

After almost a year of being apart, in October of 2021, I found myself drunk-texting him. To my surprise, he responded, and we ended up travelling together for a month. It was during this time that we had a heart-to-heart conversation, and I learned that he had been accepted as a diplomat. Although I tried to rekindle our relationship, he was still hurt and blamed me for our previous breakup, so he was hesitant to get back together.

It wasn't until February 2022 that we took another trip, this time with some friends. During this trip, he sat me down and expressed that he wanted to give our relationship another chance. We had an honest discussion about the changes we needed to make, including better communication and managing our emotions. He even had me create a list of reminders to help us along the way.

Our relationship has since grown to a place where we both feel secure. There is a newfound appreciation for one another, and this is the most loved, comfortable, and secure I have ever felt in our relationship.

Mariam

Mariam holds a Master's degree in Mathematics and is currently pursuing a PhD in Economics while working as a graduate assistant in the United States.

My partner and I never talked about my plans to attend graduate school. I just started mentioning it and later informed him about my decision. I didn't feel the need to seek his permission. However, he proposed to me in June 2018, which was the same year I was supposed to start my graduate studies. Although he never said it, it was implied that this was his way of holding me down.

As I started the semester, I quickly realized that it was much more challenging than I had anticipated. I had to make some changes, so I decided to quit social media. Unfortunately, this decision affected my communication with my fiancé, and it worsened. He blamed me for it instead of understanding my need to focus more on school. His lack of support made me feel like he had doubts about our future together, and I might have also had some doubts myself. He even accused me of insincere reasons for leaving WhatsApp, which made me feel angry and misunderstood. By December 2018, we had broken up.

We stopped communicating for a long time, but every once in a while, we sent each other messages like "hello" or "hi." We still kept in touch, and slowly, the doubts started to fade away. He began to understand that my routine sometimes limited our time together, and he became more supportive and understanding. It felt like he understood me more, and it was easier to communicate with him.

Towards the end of 2020, we got back together and settled into it. It happened naturally, and we got married in December 2021, even though we are still in different countries. We have visited each other on a few occasions, but we have always been a long-distance couple. Throughout undergrad and NYSC, we had to juggle our routine to see each other occasionally. I realized that I never had a problem with the long-distance dynamic in our relationship.

We are both very busy and still don't talk every day. I also started my PhD immediately after my master's. Some people might find this weird, but I don't have a problem with it. We both still try to make time for each other. Our relationship might not be perfect, but we have learned to trust and support each other, even when we are thousands of miles apart.

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